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<DOCID>Grieving.doc.txt</DOCID>
<AUTHOR>Nancy Marsh</AUTHOR>
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When the heart breaks, heartbreak is felt.  Grief is a normal and natural response to loss.  It is a natural way to feel when the heart breaks. Everyone experiences loss and grief at some time. The more significant the loss, the more intense and painful the grief is likely to be.  There are no rules about what constitutes a good reason to feel grief.  It can be from the death of a loved one or a pet or it could be from changes in a role such as from student to worker.

Experiencing Grief

The process of grieving in response to a significant loss requires time, patience, courage, and support.  Each individual experiences and expresses grief differently.  No two people are likely to experience grief in the same way.  

Some of the more common experiences include:

Difficulty concentrating 

Apathy 

Angerat those responsible, at the deceased, at ourselves, at God, at any handy target 

Guilt"If only I had done. . . 

Sleep disturbances 

Loss of appetite 

Withdrawal from others 

Irritability 

Anxiety

Intense sadness or tears when a memory is triggered 

Numbness 

Loneliness, or a sense of separateness from others 

Loss of life's meaning 

Sometimes our reactions are so changeable, intense, or irrational that we fear we may be going crazy. Often grieving people are afraid to confront their grief for fear that if they open the door they will be drowned in a flood of tears or rage. Though this is very unlikely, allowing others to help us in our grieving is good insurance that we will keep our balance.

No matter what our intense experiences of grief may be, they are temporary. There is life after griefif we acknowledge and work through our reactions, rather than trying to stop them.

How Do You Do Grief Work? 



Grief is a misunderstood and neglected process in life. Because grief can be awkward, uncomfortable, and frightening, those concerned may avoid dealing with grief. This can make the experience more lonely and unhappy than it might be otherwise.  Society promotes many misconceptions about grief that may actually hinder the recovery and growth that follow loss. For example, many believe it necessary to try to change how a grieving friend is feeling and may do so by making statements such as, "You must be strong."  Society promotes the misconception that only certain feelings are appropriate to show and only for a certain amount of time. This is incorrect.  Those in grief need to be encouraged to recover in their own ways.  There is no right way to do grief.



Fortunately, much of the process of healthy grieving seems to be built into our genes. Acknowledging and growing from losses is a natural process that will happen without our directionif we relax our expectations of how we "should" grieve and give up some of our need to be in control.



Acknowledging the grief promotes the healing process. Time and support facilitate the grieving process, allowing an opportunity to appropriately mourn the loss.  Experiencing and accepting all feelings remains an important part of the healing process.





Helping Yourself Through Grief



The goal of grieving is not the elimination of all the pain or the memories of the loss.  Instead, the goal is to reorganize ones life so that the loss is one important part of life rather than the center of ones life.



Active, healthy grieving requires balancebalancing the time you spend directly working on your grief with the time you spend coping with your day-to-day life. Remember that grieving is an active process, it takes energy that will likely have to be temporarily withdrawn from the usual pursuits of your life. Treat yourself with the same care, tolerance, and affection you would extend to a valued friend in a similar situation.



Here are some things others have found useful in their healthy grieving. Choose the ones that fit for you, or make up your own methods of self-care. 



Go gently -- take whatever time it needs, rather than giving yourself a deadline for when you should be "over it;" 

Expect and accept some reduction in your usual efficiency and consistency; 

Try to avoid taking on new responsibilities or making major life decisions for a time; 

Talk regularly about your grief and your memories with someone you trust; 

Accept help and support when offered; 

Be particularly attentive to maintaining healthy eating and sleeping patterns; 

Exercise moderately and regularly; 

Keep a journal; 

Readthere are many helpful books on grief; some are listed on the back of this brochure. If grief is understood it is easier to handle; 

Plan, and allow yourself to enjoy some GOOD TIMES without guilt. The goal is balance; 

Carry or wear a linking objecta keepsake that symbolically reminds you of your loss. Anticipate the time in the future when you no longer need to carry this reminder and gently let it go; 

Tell those around you what helps you and what doesnt. Most people would like to help if they knew how; 

Take warm, leisurely baths; 

See a counselor; 

Get a massage regularly; 

Set aside a specific private time daily to remember and experience whatever feelings arise with the memories; 

Choose your entertainment carefullysome movies, TV shows, or books can intensify already strong feelings; 

Join a support groupthere are hundreds of such groups and people have a wonderful capacity to help each other; 

Plan for 'special days' such as holidays or anniversaries. Feelings can be particularly intense at these times; 

Pray; 

Take a yoga class; 

Connect on the Internet. There are many resources for people in grief, as well as opportunities to chat with fellow grievers; 

Vent your anger in healthy ways, rather than holding it in. A brisk walk or a game of tennis can help; 

Speak to a spiritual leader; 

Plant yourself in nature; 

Do something to help someone else; 

Write down your lessons. Healthy grieving will have much to teach you. 



Broken hearts do mend.  However, if your process of coping with grief and loss feel too overwhelming or last longer than you think should be the case, please ask for help.  The LSSU Counseling Services is available for you.





Adapted from various Web sites that can not be accurately identified at this time

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