Campus Lock-up
From the Office of Campus Obscurity

10/01/2006
Officers were called to a report of a yellow kart speeding throughout campus.  Officers were hot on the trail of this kart when their car ran out of gas.  This has been the second reporting of a high speed chase on campus, the first was back in the winter of 1968 when officers reportedly chased a student who had stolen the zamboni and raced it through campus.  This matter has been turned over to the City Police for further investigation.

10/02/2006
Officers responded to multiple reports of missing Carassius auratus auratus aka the common goldfish.  When officers asked the owners to describe the fish-napper, it was described as between six and half to seven feet tall, with big, orange, webbed feet, googly eyes, and a belly that jiggled when it ran.  Its coloration was predominately blue.  The suspect was last seen leaving Crawford Hall.  This matter has been turned over to the Department for Undercover Campus Kidnappings (DUCK).  They have requested that if you have any information that you contact them at 1-800-SEA-MORE.

10/03/2006
Officers responded to a puddle jumping incident in front of the Administration Building.  Students were reportedly trying to out splash one another.  No evidence of alcohol was found.  This matter has been dismissed as nothing but tomfoolery.  

10/04/2006
In order to make up budget loss, public safety is now allowed to ticket students for running stop signs.  Tickets are $75 for the first offense, $125 for the second and $150 for the third plus the removal of Lake State parking sticker.  In total for the day 273 students received tickets.  

10/05/2006
Officers responded to a noise violation at the Presidents Residence.  Upon arrival officers discovered a beer pong party occurring on the front porch.  No minors were present so guests were asked to keep noise to a minimum.  This matter has been turned over to Housing.

10/05/2006
A resident of Brady hall complained that he had been receiving telephone calls from an anonymous source stating that Lake State hockey needs to give up, they will never win, upon further investigation with help from IT, Sault Ste Marie police department and the FBI, the call was traced to the residence of NMUs mascot, the wildcat.  This matter has been turned over to the FBI.

